Haze

Lights are dimmed. Spot’s on you. My heart is drowned out by the applause of the crowd. How could there be someone beautiful as you? You tick off all the boxes. But my list can never be a claim to ownership.

This is your world. You and the crowd. But somehow, you have never succumbed to the limelight. I watched you comb through people who grab you by hand for a photo, or a hug, a quick huddle – or you! I smiled at the thought that I have never had a photo with you. That was a conscious decision – to never ask. Maybe I am prideful. But I want moments with you to be a haze – gone when the hall has emptied. And they have been. Every time.

Finally, you approach me with a hearty laugh. About what, I don’t know. We have content ourselves with laughing and starting conversations in the middle of a story until someone grabs you again – for a photo, a hug, a quick huddle –  for you! 

My moments with you are always without conclusion. And the same goes for how I feel about you – at a halt until I see you again. You with the lights on, me in the crowd.

As Friends

We laugh at things casually

like they were mundane exchanges

but we know that 

every crease in the smile is a tear left unshed

every kind word we exchange is a longing for deep conversations

every handshake draws a sigh for a tighter embrace

There is too much space between us

in this strange room 

they call 

friendship

we know this space is not

friendly 

to us. 

Some days I wish we never said goodbye

so we don't meet again

as friends.

Dear Jesse

Dear Jesse,

It's too late to win my heart. Again.

It was yours for countless seasons without you even knowing it. I waited for you to be mine like I waited for the sunrise. Everyday. And everyday, you’d show up. In cups of coffee, in senseless songs, in bus rides and my tangled hair, you’re there. And you never knew.

It is too late to change my idea of love.

You were love. You were comfort. You were the one I never had to put a wall against. You picked a part of my brain and turned it into a poem. You were  there at every turn of the year and somehow that made it less scary. You always found a way to creep into the mundane and made it special. With you, everything was special. 

It is too late to break my heart.

Not today. Not here. Not even when you show up and tell me it was me all along. I have hoped for this day to come, too many seasons over. But, not even your tears can break my heart. Not when I have grown to embrace the life without you. I have long put down my pen and closed the story that has you in it. I have no more words. None, when my heart has finally decided to find a home in someone else's arms. 

But, it is not too late to find love again. Not here, not mine, but it will be the love you need.

Someday, I will wake up and the sunrise will remind me of you. Sunrises are always beautiful. Please remember,  you will always be that to me.

Love,

Celeste

*************

I watched "Meet Me in St. Gallen" yesterday and it had the same effect "Before Sunrise" had on me. I am tempted to explain the whole emotional profile of Celeste, as she writes this letter, but I wont. Many of us can relate to Celeste at one point in our lives. And so can many of us at Jesse. 

Happy Reading. And watch the movie. 

p.s. I have not done any review in this blog nor have I promoted anything, but this time, I am promoting the movie because of how artfully it was made. The joys, thrills, frustrations of Celeste and Jesse were raw and real. 

(Photo not mine)

Days

“There’ll be days like this”

I hear myself repeating

Like a pledge, or a line

From a broken song

Whose beginning and end I could not

Remember

Unlike our story

Whose beginning I can paint like a picture

And our end like a bleeding poem

But everything in between

I could not

remember

Synonym

Leave me to my thoughts

I can sort them out

one by one,

like peeling onions

Let me cry

not for you

but for this misfortune

of being in love with you

and being quiet about it

Leave me to my words

until I find the right

synonym 

for love

without having to break down

this safe haven 

we have called 

friendship

--------------------

It is disastrous how 

in our fear of losing what we have

we kill

that thing that keeps us alive.

for you, yes you. 

photo source:here

Waiting for the Sun

SOURCE

So tell me, where do dreams sleep?
I want to evade it.
Tell me, who wakes imaginations to reality?
I want to seek an audience.
Tell me, where does the sun rest?
I want to lie there.
Tell me, who gives the moon her job.
I want to have a word with him.

Because these nights are long

And I am running out of songs

These words are meaningless

And I can’t say what I mean

My heart races to escape

The vine traps

The owls that mock me

The sleepless ants

And the cold moon

So tell me, can I find dreams

while I rest in your chest

And wake to the reality

That I no longer have to chase the sun
And that the moon would just be a fixture

Windows

SOURCE

From my window

I see yours

With the blinds partly closed

I could tell by that little light

And the occasional shadows

When you stand beside it

I made a career out of sitting

beside this window

and counting the minutes

from the time you open them

to the moment you come out

to say hi

for a time it was shut

there were no shadows

only sounds

of laughter

and sometimes silence

now it is mostly just silence

and no more blinds

and I could count the minutes

from the time you open them

to the moment you come out

but you no longer say hi

Dear Heartbreak

I am convinced it is better this way; you and I in what they tag now as an LDR.

Some partings are not so easy. When I saw you off at the bus station, I knew it would be long before you'd come back. Somehow, there was a little sigh of relief on my part. Yes, I got used to having you around but I have life to run after. You left the way you came - via that bus station. I welcomed you with open arms, and I let you go without holding you back.

I know you so well. That makes it even harder to get you off my mind. I have memorized your anatomy. I know you too much I can complete a puzzle of your body parts. I know your scent from afar. I could tell you by your shadow. But it is more than your looks that is hard to forget. You have created imprints of caution and surrender in my heart.

On occasions when you visited me, I allowed myself to get lost in your embrace. It felt like you have carved a space in your chest for my head to rest. Most times, that felt more convenient than facing the uncertain. You held on to me like you were feeding on my energy and I spent most nights holding your hand. I knew it was hard for you to leave me. It was harder for me to let you go.

Sometimes, when you were away, just like now, I remind myself of the time we were together. I read my notes about you. I unearth the poems I wrote when I was with you. I listen to the songs that got us through long nights of waiting for the sun to come out and warm us up. I  bask under the moon and tell myself you are never far away. You never are.

I cannot count the ways you surprised me. I remember that one time you serenaded me on the phone. And that time you wrote me a poem. I am reminded of the many times you'd come up with an argument and kiss me when you know you are winning. And how can I not forget the time when I was living in another city and you surprised me and brought me home. Since then, I got used to you showing up at random times and places.

I have a funny feeling you are just around the corner, waiting to surprise me. And that, dear, is the reason why I am writing you. So let me get to that. Let me start with with this: You have changed me in many ways. You were a great teacher, a constant companion and the reason for most of my poems. But something happened while you were away that surpassed everything that I enjoyed when I was with you.

No flashy entrances, no fireworks in the night sky, and definitely no music played along. Someone came and quietly erased the memory of that night at the bus station. We have no special Sundays just plain, peaceful Everydays. No sweet words, just truth .No promises of tomorrows just joys of the present. And, no more nights of constant waiting - he shows up right on time.

Some partings are not so easy but it is easier now that you are already not here.

Dear Heartbreak, let's break up.

Love found me when what I was expecting was you.

SOURCE

p.s. Say Hi to Barry Manilow for me. And just in case you'd come by, save yourself and walk away.

Something to Remember

I held your arm. Stiff. I don't blame you. The dawn is cold and our eyes are half shut. We walked silent. Not because we have nothing left to talk about but because our throats are parched from talking too much.

I remember the days I used to watch you drive by. If I get lucky, I'd get a wave from you. Most days, you drew a smile. My heart would giggle.

I remember the first time I heard your voice. It was not magical. That was also the first time I smelled you, or to put it correctly, your scent filled my nostrils.

I remember the first time I saw your nails. They were as clean as I imagined them to be.

I remember the first time you held my hand. Meaningless, yet, they were as warm as I imagined them to be.

I now have many things to remember about you. If you leave anytime soon, at least I will have something to remember.

I will choose to remember.

I ache

My dear,

I saw a tower tall and I saw it slowly fall. It was devastating.

I didnt know how we got here. I dont know the truth in all these. It is painful to see something i believe in so much, die.

I dont know what to do with my pain. Suddenly, I run out of options. I dont know what else to say.

I ache.

and i know you do too.

I am truly truly sorry. I think i told you that, remember?

sad sunday!

i miss you!

here we are we are talking but it feels like you are so far away. your mind is filled with things. tonight, i was hoping i could squeeze myself in. but maybe, your life is already too crowded for me.

or maybe, im just putting too much drama in everything. if i am, im sorry. I just miss you terribly and my heart could almost burst from not having a way to let you know that i love you. my silence is hard, but i will get by.

my heart hopes every minute that you wil stay fine. i care for you. and tonight, a silent sunday, may you find a small spot in your heart to care for me too.

i remain...yours.

Unsent.03

My dearest,

its hard to see you sad. I wish i could be the same to you as i was in the past.. vibrant...clumsy... enthusiastic... LIFE. But darling, things are diffrent now.

I watched Dear John last weekend and i cried buckets. I thought about you. I suddenly missed you so bad that i wished i could tell you how much. But i know i couldnt.

Sometimes, i fear that I would lose you. If 'letters' is the only bridge that gets me to you, what will happen now that I CANT WRITE to you? its hard. it gets harder everyday.

But there is only one thing i know: If GOD who made this universe brought us together... he will surely bring us together again...if our story doesnt end here.

i miss you. I never lack the longing to be with you... but for now, we shall be STRANDED.

i love you still. You may not have heard me say this for a long time now...but my silence has not changed that fact.. not a single bit.

I remain...yours.

Unsent.02

You probably wonder why I left just like that. Or, you might be already used to me leaving at any random moment that you don’t attempt to see the logic anymore in this.

Darling, as of the moment, i will let God explain to you why. I will keep mum and let God’s time and arrangements defend me.

Its only been two days, but I find my nights empty. I am always half asleep, as if half of my body is else where, seeking to be beside you. The distance now is made larger. It is painful.

But soon, we would be in one vast land, unseparated by water.

And sooner, I will walk your soil, and sit under your shadows. I will breathe the air you breathe and sing your song in your ears.

We will sit beside each other and look at the blue ocean… yours not mine. I will giggle at your orange soil and you will squirm at the sight of my dusty feet. Yes, they look like ginger slabs.

We wouldn’t be looking at the moon. Your face and my face are too much beauty to behold.

I will trace the vein marks on your right forearm. I have always wanted to touch them from afar.

I believe you and I will be together… soon. I just wait for God to make that arrangement.

Baby, I love you…. And I miss you now more than ever.

I remain … yours.