I Hope (A Love Letter)

I hope this finds you before you find me.

I hope you can take it that I am not the ideal homebody. I can cook a little, keep house a little, but I can never be Martha Stewart. If you would lovingly remind me that you are running out of clean shirts, I will try to keep up with the laundry schedule.

I hope you can stand that my expressions of love are limited. I can be generous with words and my time. So help me know how you want to be loved.

I hope you can bear that I am intrusive. That I would wish to know what is going on in your head. You can gently remind me that your thoughts are your own but please don't fence me out.

I hope you will try to read my mind. It is impossible, I know. But as they say, there is no harm in trying.

I hope, by now, you already know how women are wired. We are cry-ers. We cry in the movies. We cry over facebook posts. We cry over lost earrings. We cry even at the slightest provocations. Or none at all. Don't panic.

I hope you have come to terms with the fact that I am of a certain age. And if we let biology dictate, there are some joys we won't be able to experience. But God has promised we will never lack. We will never be short of joy.

I hope you will be comfortable that I am happy. That you are not a factor to that. You can only make me happier, but never unhappy.

I hope you can accept my strengths. That there are things I can do on my own. That you would not take it as weakness when sometimes, I would not feel the need for you.

I hope you will not cower when I need you; To fix a broken  stove or annihilate rats; To  be the person who will tell me I look good; To calm my fears of not being enough for you.

I hope you can be comfortable to stay in the shadows sometimes. I would not wish to, but I am certain there will be days when I will outshine you. I pray you are the kind who would not be threatened when the light is cast on me. Remember, you are my sun. The moon only borrows its light from the sun.

I hope you will be patient with me. Some days, you will wake up to a stranger beside you. I am a hundred layers of something. I will make you cry. But I will try, with my frail hands, to soothe your pains.

I hope you have accepted the fact that I have loved men before you. And while I am certain that they are left to that chapter in the past, they form the fabric that made me capable to love. Again. Be at peace with your place in my heart. You have it full. You have it whole. You are worth the wait.

I hope that you realize how long I have waited for you. I have fought with myself and many intruders. I have gone through seasons of waiting and wilting, groaning and growing. I am covered in battle scars trying to defend that place in my heart where only your initials fit. And so, I hope that when you decide to take your spot in my life, you have counted the cost. When the need comes, you will let me fight for you.

I hope that the moment you find me, you will gather the courage in your heart, forsaking all fears --- and take me ---as I am, and for all the things I will be.

Not discounting the work of God's grace in my life--- I am worth the wait.

All my love.

Jabez💓

This Love

SOURCE

Simmered 

in conversations

and long pauses,

of quiet 

and wonder. 

I wait

for this love

to grow 

and glow

for each other.

Together,

for Him.

Lines

I heard you sing today
Not to me
But to the wind

I remember how it was
When you sang
Lines
Through the line
To me

Poems sprung
From my heart
To the lines
Through the lines
To you

Like how words crawled out
Of my heart
Tonight
Lines
No longer through the lines
But through the wind
Still
To you

Haze

Lights are dimmed. Spot’s on you. My heart is drowned out by the applause of the crowd. How could there be someone beautiful as you? You tick off all the boxes. But my list can never be a claim to ownership.

This is your world. You and the crowd. But somehow, you have never succumbed to the limelight. I watched you comb through people who grab you by hand for a photo, or a hug, a quick huddle – or you! I smiled at the thought that I have never had a photo with you. That was a conscious decision – to never ask. Maybe I am prideful. But I want moments with you to be a haze – gone when the hall has emptied. And they have been. Every time.

Finally, you approach me with a hearty laugh. About what, I don’t know. We have content ourselves with laughing and starting conversations in the middle of a story until someone grabs you again – for a photo, a hug, a quick huddle –  for you! 

My moments with you are always without conclusion. And the same goes for how I feel about you – at a halt until I see you again. You with the lights on, me in the crowd.

As Friends

We laugh at things casually

like they were mundane exchanges

but we know that 

every crease in the smile is a tear left unshed

every kind word we exchange is a longing for deep conversations

every handshake draws a sigh for a tighter embrace

There is too much space between us

in this strange room 

they call 

friendship

we know this space is not

friendly 

to us. 

Some days I wish we never said goodbye

so we don't meet again

as friends.

Dear Jesse

Dear Jesse,

It's too late to win my heart. Again.

It was yours for countless seasons without you even knowing it. I waited for you to be mine like I waited for the sunrise. Everyday. And everyday, you’d show up. In cups of coffee, in senseless songs, in bus rides and my tangled hair, you’re there. And you never knew.

It is too late to change my idea of love.

You were love. You were comfort. You were the one I never had to put a wall against. You picked a part of my brain and turned it into a poem. You were  there at every turn of the year and somehow that made it less scary. You always found a way to creep into the mundane and made it special. With you, everything was special. 

It is too late to break my heart.

Not today. Not here. Not even when you show up and tell me it was me all along. I have hoped for this day to come, too many seasons over. But, not even your tears can break my heart. Not when I have grown to embrace the life without you. I have long put down my pen and closed the story that has you in it. I have no more words. None, when my heart has finally decided to find a home in someone else's arms. 

But, it is not too late to find love again. Not here, not mine, but it will be the love you need.

Someday, I will wake up and the sunrise will remind me of you. Sunrises are always beautiful. Please remember,  you will always be that to me.

Love,

Celeste

*************

I watched "Meet Me in St. Gallen" yesterday and it had the same effect "Before Sunrise" had on me. I am tempted to explain the whole emotional profile of Celeste, as she writes this letter, but I wont. Many of us can relate to Celeste at one point in our lives. And so can many of us at Jesse. 

Happy Reading. And watch the movie. 

p.s. I have not done any review in this blog nor have I promoted anything, but this time, I am promoting the movie because of how artfully it was made. The joys, thrills, frustrations of Celeste and Jesse were raw and real. 

(Photo not mine)

Sad Truth

Sometimes we lose them to ambitions 

Sometimes we lose them to pride

Sometimes we lose them to fear

and sometimes, 

most painfully, 

we lose them to Love